To Dance or Not to Dance? That is the Question (for some of you).
Dear dancers and parents,
Before I dive in, I want to share a new podcast interview I gave in December with the Dance; Better Podcast with Sarah and Courtney. You can find the interview here and on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and all the rest. (Scroll down to "The One Where They Get Some Perspective; Jan. 15, 2021) Come hear my thoughts on mental resistance, self-talk, and more on Dance; Better!
Now, on to our topic for today...
The pandemic and all it has brought with it for dancers - online training and limited or no performance opportunities - is nudging some of you to question your commitment to making a career out of dancing.
Since answering this question is an important turning point for all dancers, I want to address it today. (*Note: If you are more excited and on fire than ever about your training and future career, I encourage you to keep reading anyway because there may be something here that could help a friend thinking about this question.)
The question of whether to keep dancing or not is rarely just about a dancer's relationship to his/her dancing. There are other considerations that come into play including fears of disappointing family and teachers, worries about being judged for stopping, and the sunk cost fallacy. Investigating those considerations and learning how to frame your decision either way can make all the difference. What I'm sharing here is just the starting point for your conversations.
Family and teachers
Rarely has a dancer not expressed fears about disappointing his/her family and teachers when considering stopping. You are all keenly aware of the sacrifices made by your parents (and maybe siblings) so that you can pursue your training and dreams. This is often the first roadblock to having an open conversation about what you want because you are sensitive to how those closest to you might take the news.
It reflects well on you that you're concerned about their feelings. And it's also true that someone might be disappointed by your decision. But professional dance isn't a path you can take without truly loving and wanting it with every fiber of your being; it's as much a vocation as a career path and loving it lightens the daily intensity of what's required to be successful.
When you can communicate your feelings effectively to your teachers and family, it can help them understand what's at stake. From my own coaching work with parents, I can tell you that most parents really want their children to be happy in whatever they decide to pursue, whether it's dance or not. It can also be helpful to talk about how you're feeling with a neutral third party, like a coach or mentor, before you talk to your family to help clarify your thoughts.
Quitting vs Stopping vs Retiring
Ballet culture emphasizes the challenge and difficulty of being a dancer. On the one hand, that's realistic; it is indeed hard work to be successful in ballet. On the other hand, that emphasis can lead to a mindset that only the strong survive, implying that those who stop are weak or unable to continue, which is far from the truth. I have coached many dancers over the years on the question of continuing to dance and it has never been a question of weakness or lack of determination or grit.
And this is why I believe that it's important to use the right language when considering this decision. "Quitting" is the buzzword in the dance world; it means "to give up, to resign, to release yourself from something." It can also mean "to admit defeat." It is the go-to word dancers use when they think about stopping and I think it's a mistake because it doesn't accurately reflect reality. Most dancers who decide to stop do so because of shifting priorities in their lives or a changed feeling about dance - often that although they still love it, the idea of a career is less compelling. That's not quitting, that's changing that you want.
So, it's important to frame your choice in language that aligns with how you really feel. Instead of saying you're quitting, you can talk about "stopping" or "retiring."
On a personal note, when I decided to stop dancing, I was in the fifth year of my career. I was very careful not to use the word "quit" when I discussed my plans with my peers, coaches, or artistic director because I wasn't giving up or admitting defeat. I had simply changed my mind about what I wanted my life to look like; I had decided to stop dancing for a living and instead, to go to college to prepare for a different kind of future. So for me, even though I was young, I said "I'm retiring." I remember some of my peers thought that was funny because we think of retirement as being something much older people do. But it was the right word for what I was doing: ending one career and embarking on another.
That simple choice of words framed the end of my ballet career for me. It was a choice to stop dancing, rather than something forced on me by a lack of something... be it determination, grit, or chutzpah. I had all those things, I just didn't want to apply them to dancing anymore.
Sunk Cost Fallacy
The sunk cost effect is the tendency for people to continue doing what they've been doing if they've invested a lot of time or money in it. It becomes a fallacy if it's pushing you to keep doing that thing even though it no longer works for you or makes you happy.
For example, "My parents have spent so much money on my training. I can't back out now." Or, "I've worked so hard for this all my life; if I stop now, it'll be a waste of all that time."
The sunk cost effect dictates that the time, energy, and money you have "spent" on your training is already gone - you cannot recover it. So it is not a good enough reason to continue doing something you do not love anymore. There are other reasons you may continue to dance, including keeping it up to distinguish your college application or to win a scholarship, but generally speaking, it's not a good to make decisions buying into the sunk cost fallacy.
It's also imperative to recognize that not one hour you have spent in a studio or onstage should be categorized as a waste if you decide not to pursue it any longer. The skills you gain through pre-professional dance training are many and are transferable. Also, there are many definitions of success after pre-professional training, not just the one where you land a professional contract and dance for a living.
Just in the pool of dancers I have coached, I've had multiple dancers go on to colleges and universities, including Columbia, Stanford, and Harvard; some continue to dance while others have moved on. I've had pre-professional ballet students go on to dance for Broadway, commercial dance, and television. I've even had a dancer pivot to professional modeling in LA. They do it all and their choices have redefined what it means to be successful after training for a career in ballet. None of these dancers "quit" - they just changed their relationship to their dancing and moved in new directions.
Of course, this decision to keep dancing or stop is more nuanced than what I've shared today, but I hope this gives you a new perspective to consider. And if you would like a neutral third party to help you consider all of the issues involved in your decision, please sign up for a Discovery Session. I've counseled numerous dancers and families on this question and am happy to share their experiences and my perspective.
If you are still passionate about your training and future career, I'm glad! Share this with your friends and those who might be on the fence and need new ways of approaching their decision. Have a great February and see you in a couple of weeks!
Be well,
