Working for Yourself & Knowing Your Value

Dear dancers and parents,

Sometimes, dancers (like everyone) can get into a cycle of allowing themselves to be too heavily influenced by the thoughts and moods of the people around them, namely peers and teachers. It's quite common for dancers to admit to me that even though they start out feeing pretty good in class or rehearsal, a negative comment from a peer or lack of attention from a teacher can suddenly throw them into a tailspin. 

While this is normal to a large extent- we are all social creatures and we crave connection and positive interactions- it can also go too far. It's important to be able to draw a line between who you are/what you think/your mood and the thoughts and actions of others. And, ideally, you can "hold your own" in terms of not being overly influenced by others, especially in a negative way. 

Here are two pitfalls that dancers have shared with me and possible solutions to try.

Pitfall: Working for Teacher and Peer Approval
 While this is common, working to please others puts you at a disadvantage in part because you can't control the outcome. Whether or not the pleasing "works" is out of your hands, which can be frustrating, especially when your perspective is that you're working really hard and no one is noticing!
 
Consider this from one of my West coast dancers, "I felt like I was working well, and having good classes, but I wasn't getting any corrections; this went on for days. I ended up thinking, What am I doing wrong? Why isn't my teacher helping me? And it spiraled downwards from there. Every class, I was more and more in my head." 

Or this one from NYC, "I'm afraid my peers are watching and judging me in class. When I see someone looking at me, I get really nervous and lose my focus. I wonder if they're thinking something negative about me."
 
Solution: Work to Please Yourself
When you work primarily to please a teacher or a peer group, you're leaving a big piece out of the equation: yourself. Where teachers and peer groups change, you are the constant and it's important to learn how to work well according to you. 

It is easier to work for yourself when...

• you have clear goals and are tracking them;

• you compare how you danced last week to how you're dancing this week (notice how no one else is included in that comparison);

• you manage your wandering mind and stay focused on your work. 

After my "West coast" dancer from above experimented with this approach, here's what she reported: "When I have my three goals written down before class, I feel much more focused. I still have distracting thoughts, but I can bounce back from them and get back into what I'm working on. It also helps me steer clear of despair when I'm not getting feedback from my teacher."

And my NYC dancer: "I had a good week. I didn't let my classmates' moods bring me down. I filtered [out the negative] and stayed focused on my goals."

When it comes to your classmates, remind yourself that everyone observes everyone else in class and rehearsals; sometimes they're learning the combination by watching you; other times, they're looking but not really "seeing" you because they're in their own heads. Also, notice that when you look at your peers, you don't judge them; chances are, they aren't judging you all the time either. 
 
Pitfall: Equating Attention and Success with Value and Self-Worth
When you are having difficulty in the studio, it can be easy to lose yourself in those challenges. Sometimes dancers begin to equate their self-worth with their dancing, which is a dead-end. 

First, there's a big difference between asking yourself these two questions:

• What am I doing wrong?

• What's wrong with me?

The first question is one you'll be asking yourself for as long as you dance because (spoiler alert) dancers at every level of their training and careers make mistakes. "What am I doing wrong?" is a problem-solving question; it asks you to put on your scientist hat and look for solutions to something that isn't working. You want to develop a VERY friendly relationship with this question so that it feels like a door opening, rather than a pronouncement of your unworthiness. 

The second question isn't about your dancing or your problem of the moment; it's a judgment on you as a person. The answer will always be the same: there is nothing wrong with you. When you cannot get a step, there's nothing wrong with you. When you cannot apply a correction, there's nothing wrong with you. When you make a mistake, there's nothing wrong with you. 

When you ask yourself that question, you are equating a lack of success or approval with your self-worth; they are not the same thing. Remember you are YOU and you are worthy by virtue of being; there will certainly be days when the dancing isn't going so well, but it doesn't mean anything about your self-worth as a person. Equating the two is a dangerous habit that can erode your confidence and self-esteem. 

Furthermore, "What is wrong with me?" takes you out of the problem-solving mindset and puts you in attack mode against yourself. Now you are really in your head. Notice the next time you do this, how does your body feel? Chances are, you start to feel tense and upset; it probably devolves into feeling defeated. When you're feeling defeated and less-than worthy, you're not in a productive mindset to do good work. So it's best not to let yourself get there. 

Solution: Separate Your Dancing and "Dancing Body" from Who You Are 
This a very challenging exercise, and it's a process which will take time to master. But it may save you from falling back into that success-is-value trap again. 

Remember that dance is something you do, and even if it's the biggest and most important thing to you, it's not who you are. Try to separate out your observations and critical analysis of what's happening in your dancing body from judgements about yourself.  For example, try saying:

• My dancing isn't going well today, but I'm still me. 

• I may be disappointed in my dancing, but I'm not disappointed in myself.

• My "dancing body" isn't cooperating right now, but it's not because I'm not trying my best. 

When you start using phrases like these, you'll find that you get less frustrated and upset when things aren't going well. Instead of falling apart, you might be able to problem-solve more effectively, which will help you move forward rather than stagnate in self-directed defeat or anger. It does take some practice, but give it a try. 

In Closing: The Company Experience
One common experience I hear from dancers who become professionals is that they weren't expecting the drastic change in teacher attention/approval that came with joining a company. They are surprised how much responsibility a company expects them to take for their own progress and they often experience a letdown as they transition away from the amount of attention and feedback they had while training. In this transition, many dancers lose their motivation and experience setbacks in their progress. 

Learning how to work for yourself now, to set and achieve goals, and to separate your value from attention in the studio will set you up for success in the future, whether you land a company contract or head to college or another less-beaten path. When you take ownership of your process, it will impact all areas of your life for the better.

If this sounds daunting and anxiety-producing, take a deep breath! Then schedule your Discovery Session with me to have an open chat about where you feel challenged. Let's see if coaching could be a fit for you. 

Happy spring and be well,
Elizabeth